Saturday, February 7, 2009
Moving in the Right Direction
We have been apart now for nearly a week and I shall be seeing him again in five days. Try as I might not to count, I am always doing it, and I am aware that six days have passed since I last saw him, and there are only five to go - more than halfway there.
His other lover has been with him for three days, and, miraculously, I am ok! Yes, she is leaving tomorrow, so it is only a short visit, and yes, I will soon see him, so there are those softening factors. But I believe more has happened. I took a leap. I acknowledged my love for him and in that acknowledgment, recognized that I truly want him to be happy too. I surrendered to what is. I think if I soften myself, rather than rely on external factors, this relationship has much more of a chance to work. I am always asking him to look at things from my point of view, for that is the conventional one, the one that "makes sense" for the vast majority of people. In my anxiety and unthinking need for reassurance, I have failed to recognize what his needs are. I now understand - I love him, and want him to be happy. If this is what makes him happy, then I am ok with it. I am ok with it, because he expresses his love for me. He is tender and caring, and wants me to be happy. He knows that his nature is not to be with just one woman, but that does not make him a callous or unfeeling person. I was lonely. I met him. I fell in love with him. I didn't fall in love with a mono person. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him because of who he is, how well-matched we are in so many ways, how I feel when I am with him. Case closed. For the time being.
I am not Pollyanna-ish enough to think that this contentment and acceptance will be unchanging. I know that there will be times when I feel vulnerable, rejected, and hurt. But my hope is that I will remember this sense and carry enough of it with me that the hurt will recede in time, and this will grow. How blessed I am to have found a relationship which brings me so much happiness.
His other lover has been with him for three days, and, miraculously, I am ok! Yes, she is leaving tomorrow, so it is only a short visit, and yes, I will soon see him, so there are those softening factors. But I believe more has happened. I took a leap. I acknowledged my love for him and in that acknowledgment, recognized that I truly want him to be happy too. I surrendered to what is. I think if I soften myself, rather than rely on external factors, this relationship has much more of a chance to work. I am always asking him to look at things from my point of view, for that is the conventional one, the one that "makes sense" for the vast majority of people. In my anxiety and unthinking need for reassurance, I have failed to recognize what his needs are. I now understand - I love him, and want him to be happy. If this is what makes him happy, then I am ok with it. I am ok with it, because he expresses his love for me. He is tender and caring, and wants me to be happy. He knows that his nature is not to be with just one woman, but that does not make him a callous or unfeeling person. I was lonely. I met him. I fell in love with him. I didn't fall in love with a mono person. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him because of who he is, how well-matched we are in so many ways, how I feel when I am with him. Case closed. For the time being.
I am not Pollyanna-ish enough to think that this contentment and acceptance will be unchanging. I know that there will be times when I feel vulnerable, rejected, and hurt. But my hope is that I will remember this sense and carry enough of it with me that the hurt will recede in time, and this will grow. How blessed I am to have found a relationship which brings me so much happiness.
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