What the Hell

I could spend some time philosophizing here, talking about how noble and giving I am, how all is fine, how I know that this relationship is all good. Fact is, I am hurting like hell. I am weeping and sad and lonely. I feel unimportant. I don't matter. I feel powerless and small. Inferior. This long weekend is endless. What a waste of time off, while I cry and my stomach turns upside down at the thought of him with her. At least if I were at work I would be busy and feel useful. I am finding things to do and take pleasure in the small achievements I make. Small pleasure that evaporates quickly. Very quickly, leaving a gaping hole in its place.

This will be over soon.

Then it will start again next time.

I know, I know, this is a down time. There will be an upswing when I am more cheerful and optimistic. I look forward to it. Writing this today is honest, though, because it is how I feel in this moment. To say otherwise would be a lie. Yes, I want him to happy, and this is my gift to him. It is a gift that causes intense pain sometimes, but I am willing to give it.