It has been over two months since I last posted. Life must have been good for those two months, because I really only write in here when it is difficult. I only write in here when he is with his other lover, and I am miserable because of it. I only write in here about nobly fighting off the pain. It's bullshit some of the time. Other times, I am hurting so badly I can't think straight. And there is the problem. Different perspectives, thoughts, feelings, depending on the current circumstances. It is so very hard to step back from it all and really understand and process and focus on what my life is.

What is my life? A series of peaks and valleys, framed by my work and friends and family. But the picture inside the frame, the part I look at far more than the frame, is my relationship with him. Darks and lights. Days and nights. It's been a few years now, and still it isn't easy, and still I feel sorry for myself when he is away and with her. Yet I know that I love him and he loves me. I know that for a fact. I know that when we are together there is passion and sweetness and contentment. I am not poly, so I don't go searching for a relationship to fill the void when he is gone. It just doesn't interest me.

If I had a magic lamp, and the genie inside were to grant me three wishes, this is what they would be:

1) he is no longer poly and just wants to be with me.
2) if that isn't granted, then I turn poly and find fulfilment in that
3) if that isn't granted, then please may I find peace and acceptance of the way things are

The third is the one I may not need the genie for, and since genies are none too common these days, I need to work on achieving wish number 3 on my own. The power of positive thinking. At work . For me. For us. My continual unhappiness at his being with her is poisonous, I know that. Time to dilute it at the very least. The work is there, and I shall not shirk it.

Growing

It is beginning to hurt less. Even though this is a trying time and he is gone for a long time and with her for much of it, I am feeling less vulnerable. Ironically, I think I have made myself more vulnerable, and in so doing, have grown and strengthened. I stepped up and took responsibility for all I have done to make things tougher, for being unfair to him, for not trusting him or myself to make things work. Stripping myself of my veil of "rightness" has allowed me to accept who I am and to see he is accepting that person too. That is what is strengthening. I don't have to play games with myself (and sometimes him) to make myself feel safe. He is doing his own introspective work, to be shared with me when he comes back. No one ever said this would be easy, and I am constantly looking for ways to make it so. No dice. It isn't going to be easy. It is never going to be easy. But I don't have to make it so hard.

What the Hell

I could spend some time philosophizing here, talking about how noble and giving I am, how all is fine, how I know that this relationship is all good. Fact is, I am hurting like hell. I am weeping and sad and lonely. I feel unimportant. I don't matter. I feel powerless and small. Inferior. This long weekend is endless. What a waste of time off, while I cry and my stomach turns upside down at the thought of him with her. At least if I were at work I would be busy and feel useful. I am finding things to do and take pleasure in the small achievements I make. Small pleasure that evaporates quickly. Very quickly, leaving a gaping hole in its place.

This will be over soon.

Then it will start again next time.

I know, I know, this is a down time. There will be an upswing when I am more cheerful and optimistic. I look forward to it. Writing this today is honest, though, because it is how I feel in this moment. To say otherwise would be a lie. Yes, I want him to happy, and this is my gift to him. It is a gift that causes intense pain sometimes, but I am willing to give it.

August

Nearly two months since I last posted. Much of that time I have spent with him, and I am feeling secure in our relationship. It feels like we really do belong together, there is a meshing that is ongoing and feels right. So where does the poly fit, given that I am monogamous? I am still not exactly comfortable with it, but I am more accepting of it. I don't like that he is with her, I don't like being away from him, but I am ok. I am living, breathing, functioning, and I will be with him again soon. And my life, I keep reminding myself, is more than my love relationship. I have other things to do, a job to go to, family and friends to attend to. Those things can feed me too.

I believe that our relationship is strong partly because we don't live in each other's pockets, that there are periods of separation, that we don't take each other's presence for granted. The fact that he is poly precludes the humdrum, daily routine aspect of a committed love relationship, and maybe it is time I appreciate that and even welcome it.

Opening Up

A friend recommended Tristan Taormino's book, "Opening Up," and I have been devouring it this evening. I have already read "The Ethical Slut" and found it useful, but this book really hits home with me in many areas. I have found myself underlining many passages, passages about the reasoning behind jealousy, how to deal with broken agreements, how to be honest. I am feeling validated and at the same time am developing confidence in how things may turn out. One thing Taormino encourages is to meet the other lover, for the very reasons that I have been expressing - so as not to demonize her or see her as anything other than a normal human being. I am so glad to see it in print like this. I have more to read, but the book has been really helpful. And the list of resources at the back is great. One area that she addresses is Finding Community. Community is something I yearn for, and if I can find a community of others who are living this lifestyle, I won't feel so excluded. I think my feeling of exclusion is strong - I feel excluded when my lover is with his other lover, and I feel excluded from so-called "mainstream society" because I don't have a traditional, monogamous relationship. So I often feel very alone, even when I have friends to talk to - because right now they all come from the traditional mainstream monogamous group. It's time to consult the resources at the back of the book and seek out a community where I am not unique.

I am feeling more cheerful about this than I have in a long time! Hooray!

An Interesting Place

So he is once again traveling with his other lover and will not be back again and alone for over a week. I am watching how I am reacting, and it is interesting. The other night I had a conversation with an acquaintance who is aware of my situation, and she is one of those incredibly frank people who says and asks exactly what is on her mind. She asked me how I am doing, and her most specific question was, "What have you overcome to get where you are?" I fumbled for an answer, and have given it more thought since she asked. I was embarrassed to think that in three years I hadn't overcome anything, but that's not true actually. Three years ago, if I had been told what was in store for me, I would probably have run a mile. Instead, I have hung in and grown and learned to live through the hard times and celebrate the good times. So I came up with some rather pat response to her, and then she persisted in talking about it. She commented that living in the present is probably the best way to approach the situation. I agreed with her, and then later sat back and really thought about it. She is absolutely right. And I am narrowing my concept of the present. The present is NOT my lover being off with his other lover. The present is not in another city, or in their bedroom, or following them around all day. The present is me typing this on my computer. The present is my immediate surroundings. The present is my room. The present is 6:45 p.m. on June 3. The present is where I am right now, where I am, not where anybody else is. This is my work. He and I will be together in the future, in a couple of weeks. When that happens, I will focus on that. Right now, I have my current surroundings and circumstances. I do not have my lover and what he is doing now. It is outside my purview. I have me.

He will call at some point, and I know I may fret a little, waiting for him, but the present is him not on the phone with me now. When he calls, I will be absolutely present with that, his attention on me and my attention on him.

This is my work. This is my goal. And so far I can feel it sinking in. I will not anticipate how it will be on the weekend when I have more time on my hands. I will deal with that then. Now is now is now...

Here We Are Again

Alone again on Saturday evening, knowing he is with his other lover. It is late, however, and I didn't spend the evening on my own, which is good. But when I was finally alone, the emotions came flooding out. But now I have stabilized and am feeling basically ok. We did a lot of talking during his last visit. Some things came out that we needed to work on big time, and we got through them pretty well, though I know there is more to do. I finally came to appreciate how hard this is on him, too. He doesn't like to see me unhappy, and he gets frustrated and sad when I express those feelings. I get that, so I am now trying to walk a line between being honest and being emotional. I have bought some more books, and am reading through parts of them, trying to make sense of this crazy set-up I find myself in. Well, it's not crazy if all parties are utterly happy. And it's not crazy if the parties are willing to work on the relationship. So it's not a crazy set-up that I'm in, because we are willing to work.

He tells me that his other lover is neutral about meeting me, that it's neither here nor there to her, so I am trying that one on for size. Not sure how to react. But if I put that together with other things she has said, it does make sense. She is just not particularly interested in or affected by his relationship with me. I believe that she would be happiest if he were only with her, and if he were to spend more time with her, but she seems to have made peace with the whole situation as it is a lot better than I have, and I guess I envy her that. I am still very much a work in progress. How does one change what one wants? I would love to be able to snap my fingers and do that. Instead of sitting her and being sad when I am on my own.

To be truthful, I only write in this blog when I am feeling down. So I am probably presenting a skewed picture. With him, I am happy and content. Without him, I am often sad and lonely, but there also many times when I am engaged and distracted by other things going on in my life. I need to build on those. Maybe that will make the gnawing inside my belly a little duller.

Asking for what I want/need

Sometimes I am not sure what I can fairly ask for in this relationship. I know that the same could be said in a traditional relationship, I suppose, but in this fairly unique situation (or maybe it isn't so unique, given the two comments I have received) there are no rules, no guidelines. So I am constantly asking myself, "Is it reasonable to ask for this?" "Is it fair to expect that?" And of course, if I ask and am turned down, the sense of rejection is very strong. Which has more to do with who I am as a person than my position in the relationship, I suppose, but it is all part of the mix.

Here's an example of what I am not sure about: I like to talk with him or at least have some kind of meaningful contact every day. I think that if it were a monogamous relationship where we lived several hundred miles apart, it would probably be a reasonable request. But if he is with his other lover, maybe I am being unreasonable. The way it is working right now is that when he is with her, he calls when he can, which tends to be every couple of days or so, for a few minutes. We exchange some brief e-mails, and the occasional text. It's enough for him, probably more than enough. So I feel I don't have the right to ask him for more, so I feel I am being unreasonable if I do. But what is reasonable, and what feels ok to a person can be two totally different concepts. So should I be reasonable, or should I be honest and have enough regard for my own needs to say what I want and need?

The rules and guidelines for our relationship are growing and changing as we feel our way between the twin lines of what we want and what we can tolerate. It can be such a painful process when so much of my soul searching is done alone.

I have noticed the folks who are following my blog - it is nice to know my words aren't just disappearing into cyberspace, although the flipside is that I am now feeling kind of naked. But that is of course what happens with a blog like this. In any event, I checked out Anita's website - which is pretty cool. I bought "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," a book I have long known about but never read. I have now started it - and have great hopes that it will help. So thank you, Anita!

Working On It

Oh, this softer place is tricky to stay in. I am learning more about his other lover. And we will be meeting. It's been decided. What are my feelings? In no particular order: fear, curiosity, dread, excitement, even some relief - no more wondering and trying to decide what is right. So, what now? It is always my way to try to make others feel comfortable, to take care of their feelings. And there is a tussle going on inside me. I am automatically thinking that I don't want her to feel bad, to be upset, or to feel that I am a threat to her. But I also want to protect myself. From the hurt that I fear so very much, the hurt I experience just thinking of seeing them together. My instinct is just to let it happen and to deal with my feelings in the moment, but that is letting go of a hell of a lot of control. I don't want to be the passive link in all of this, because I may be opening myself to so much pain while others work things to suit their feelings, not mine. Or am I being too wary, too suspicious? I am guilty of extreme naivete at times. This should not be one of them, but cynicism and suspicion can be poisonous. He is with her tonight and will be for the next six days. (There I go, counting again.) I have much to do in the meantime, but my mind flits back to him and her throughout the day, especially in quieter moments. Sometimes I'm ok about it. Other times, I'm not.

This is a journey, a journey composed of little steps and big steps, steps forward and steps backward. And often sideways. Not static, never static.

Moving to a Softer Place

I had dinner with another friend, with another viewpoint. I am corresponding with a poly friend. I am thinking. I am talking. I am making space for new thoughts and perspectives. I am softening.

I acknowledge that this is not a traditional situation, and there is no safe, organized set of rules. So, here are the facts:

• I am deeply in love with a man who is polyamorous
• I am monogamous
• He is in love with me
• He has another lover who is important to him
• He is not going to change how he loves women
• I am not going to change how I love men
• I am with him a little less than 50% of the time
• When I am with him, I am very happy
• When I am not with him, there are times when I am desperately unhappy
• When he is not with me, he is not unhappy

The only really bad one of those bullet points is the one about being really unhappy when I am not with him. And that's really only when he is with his other lover. But I am changing, I am working on compersion. It seems to me that it is the only way to soften the sadness. If I can learn to be happy for him (and maybe even her) when they are together, wouldn't life be great? So that is my goal. A big shift. But not impossible. He and I have been apart now for ten days. He is with her for the next few days. It is normally at this time that I am weeping, feeling rejected and lonely, and having a very bad time. But I'm not. I'm calm. Missing him, yes. Looking forward very much to seeing him next week, yes. But feeling like my life is not worth living, no.

Hooray for me. This might work...

Making Sense

I had dinner with a very wise friend this evening. She pointed out some things that I am doing that are not good for me, and probably not good for the relationship. I am just allowing all this to happen. I am relinquishing all control of the relationship to him, allowing him to dictate the terms, the times, and the communication. She's right, that is exactly what I am doing. She also pointed out what may be happening between him and his other lover. I am so bad at games, at strategy, at thinking of the right way to handle a person with whom I am personally involved. I am open and honest and I tell people the truth. Naive. Maybe I need to be smarter, and to think things through in a more sophisticated manner, to be more coy and harder to read. I just lay it on the line, and meanwhile, I think the other woman is playing games much better than I do or even can. I feel that she is moving closer to him all the time - and that makes me feel so cut off. I am sitting on the sidelines and watching.

My friend reckons I should not know where he is going to be with the other woman, and she doesn't even think I should be in communication with him during those times. She says it is too painful for me. I think she may be right. But on the other hand, the idea of being out of touch with him while he is with her, involved with her, being intimate with her, is so very hard to contemplate.

How did I ever get to this place? I know in my heart I want a relationship with a man who loves only me, who wants to live with me and be partnered with me and grow old with me. But my heart also tells me that I am deeply in love with this man, a man who will not give me what my heart yearns for. I can't be in love with more than one man at a time, at least I am pretty sure I can't be, so my dilemma is that I am in love with a man who doesn't fit my dream. So now I sit with this. No quick or hasty decisions. But I have to be honest with myself. Which is maybe the hardest part of all this, the very hardest part...

What's Wrong with Me?

Why is this not getting any easier? Why can't I handle something that I have known about for so long? I have breakthroughs of calm and understanding, and then the ante gets upped (longer with her, a trip with her, knowledge of deeper intimacy and connection with her), and I get dislodged from the ledge I have found, and I go plummeting back to the bottom again. How do other people do it? If I love him and respect him and believe in him, why can't it be ok for me if it's ok for him? I know, that seems a stupid question, but that's what at bottom for me. I think I love him with all my heart, I KNOW I love him with all my heart, but what if I still don't love him enough?

I am reading The Ethical Slut again and trying over. Again

Not Perfect

Yeah, I wept this evening, despite those brave words earlier...

Moving in the Right Direction

We have been apart now for nearly a week and I shall be seeing him again in five days. Try as I might not to count, I am always doing it, and I am aware that six days have passed since I last saw him, and there are only five to go - more than halfway there.



His other lover has been with him for three days, and, miraculously, I am ok! Yes, she is leaving tomorrow, so it is only a short visit, and yes, I will soon see him, so there are those softening factors. But I believe more has happened. I took a leap. I acknowledged my love for him and in that acknowledgment, recognized that I truly want him to be happy too. I surrendered to what is. I think if I soften myself, rather than rely on external factors, this relationship has much more of a chance to work. I am always asking him to look at things from my point of view, for that is the conventional one, the one that "makes sense" for the vast majority of people. In my anxiety and unthinking need for reassurance, I have failed to recognize what his needs are. I now understand - I love him, and want him to be happy. If this is what makes him happy, then I am ok with it. I am ok with it, because he expresses his love for me. He is tender and caring, and wants me to be happy. He knows that his nature is not to be with just one woman, but that does not make him a callous or unfeeling person. I was lonely. I met him. I fell in love with him. I didn't fall in love with a mono person. I fell in love with him. I fell in love with him because of who he is, how well-matched we are in so many ways, how I feel when I am with him. Case closed. For the time being.



I am not Pollyanna-ish enough to think that this contentment and acceptance will be unchanging. I know that there will be times when I feel vulnerable, rejected, and hurt. But my hope is that I will remember this sense and carry enough of it with me that the hurt will recede in time, and this will grow. How blessed I am to have found a relationship which brings me so much happiness.

Soon

I washed my reading glasses this evening because I realized the lenses were stained. Those blotches were made by tears. I cry probably every night I am not with him. Tears are not foreign to me, they come easily. And they come very easily when I think of him with his other lover.

But soon he won't be with her, he will be with me, and all this will recede and I will be happy and my love for him will eclipse all the bad stuff that surges inside me when he is with her. Then he will leave and the cycle will move on and I will weep again.

I did some searching on the internet this evening and it was comforting to find I am not alone in my situation. There are many sites that refer to relationships where one partner is poly and the other is monogamous. One of the wisest pieces of advice I found was this: find out what each person needs to feel loved, and make an effort to provide that. The needs and desires of both people in a primary relationship need to be met, and a conscious effort on the part of the poly partner to help his/her partner feel loved and appreciated goes a long ways towards making the relationship worthwhile and successful. While this particular piece of advice refers to the needs of the mono partner, I do see how the poly partner should also have his need to feel loved met. And if that involves more than one person, then that is who he (or she is). I love this man and I have to recognize this is who he is.

I think my attitude was poisoned early on in the relationship when I had a conversation with a woman who has known him since he was a teenager. She and her husband are both poly and have a very successful relationship. She said to me, "I don't think (X) is truly poly." She is an intelligent woman who knows the poly world and I clung to what she said for a couple of years, thinking that she must be right, and that ultimately he would stop seeing other people. I even asked him to try being mono with me for a while, but he said no. Then a few months ago this woman whose word I had believed as gospel said to me, "I think I was wrong. I think he really is poly." My stomach turned, but I knew she was right. I should not have set so much stock by what she said in the first place, but it was like a very long lifeline for me, and I had held onto it for far too long. After she changed her opinion, I blamed her for a while, but a person can have opinions that change. It's ok. It wasn't her fault. She was speaking the truth as she found it at the time. I foolishly (and hopefully) operated on the basis that her observations were accurate. I should have listened to him. He has never waivered from his stance that he is poly and that he wants multiple loving relationships.

One of the sites I visited this evening referred to our seeking out our shadow selves in love relationships. The writer may be right. This shadow self of mine fulfills me in so many ways , and I need to embrace the relationship. As I move toward our reunion in a couple of days, my heart is softening as it always does, and I know this pain will subside. Another site reports that many of the people in such relationships decide that the pain is worth it. I know I have. I know I can walk away if it becomes too much. It hasn't. It is worth it. And I'll be with him soon.

Visiting

In a few days I am going to visit my lover's house. His other lover will have just left. I have asked him to put away any of her things that may be lying around in the bathroom. Too intimate for me to face. She has the opportunity to be at his home more than I do, so I feel strange about going. He lives in a wonderful house in a beautiful area, and I have always loved being there, but it is several months since I have had the opportunity to go to him (he comes to me) and in the interim she has been there several times. I feel like a second string, like I don't belong there, that she has supplanted me in that place that I love so much. I am aware that they have taken the walks together that I so enjoy taking with him. That they have gone to the same restaurants. I am concerned that she and he have been seen together round town and that people think she is his girlfriend - which she is. But what does that make me?

I am going to see at least one of his friends and I know she has met and spent time with his other lover, and I just feel weird about it. I have a sense of feeling inferior, an outsider, that there is some big secret that I can't be part of. Some of this, I know, stems from a sense of exclusion and abandonment I carry from my childhood (what a wonderful characteristic to bring to a poly relationship!), but I know there is more to it. It brings me back to the unanswerable question, the one that is entirely inappropriate to ask in a poly relationship, namely, why can't I be enough for him? I know that poly just doesn't work that way, that a poly person wants and needs more than one loving relationship, so it is not the right question. I can't help hearing it in the back of my head, though, from time to time, especially when I know they are together.

These are the bad times, when we are apart and they are together. It is easier when we are apart and they are apart. And it is just wonderful when we are together and they are apart. I love this man so very much and we fit so well together in so many ways. And I know he loves me. These bad times are to be gotten through. I drag myself from day to day and try not to mope. Only a couple more days...

Tonight

And tonight he is with her. He will be for another week. I am trying to remain upbeat. But I am sad and can't get the image of him going to bed with her, waking up with her, being with her out of my mind.

He sent me a sweet e-mail. But he is still with her. And I am alone.

My Lover is Polyamorous and I'm Not

I have been in a relationship with my lover for nearly three years. He is polyamorous. I am not. We live more than 400 miles away from each other. I have a job and he is retired, although he sometimes does some consulting work. He is comfortable financially. I scrape by. He has one other lover and is always open to more. I tried dating another poly person once and found it excruciatingly uncomfortable.

We are very much in love with each other and share many interests, have similar educations and beliefs, and laugh a lot together. Our sex life is very active and passionate. We have traveled together and spent time with each other's families. We are both divorced with children who are young adults. Even though we live so far away from each other, since he does not have a regular job we are able to see each other for at least a third of each month. During that time, we are very close. In the periods that we are apart, he sees his other lover for part of the time. And during those times, I am not permitted to call him.

When I first met him, he was involved with a woman he had been with for several years, a woman with a very powerful and demanding personality. He continued with her and with me, and developed relationships with two other women as well. For my first New Year with him, he had a party and three of us were there. It was utterly overwhelming for me, and if I could have run away, I would have. We learned not to do that again. In time, he broke up with the strong woman, and one of the others broke up with him. Then he met someone else, and he has been with her now for over 18 months. Now it is just her and me. He spends holidays with me, and more time with me than he does with her.

But she is there. She is there in his life and isn't going anywhere. She and I tried connecting with her via e-mail, but it ended badly.

My lover is polyamorous and I'm not. Even if his other lover did go somewhere, he would doubtless find someone else. He wants and needs more than one loving relationship in his life. I want only one relationship, and that is with him. I believe I love him more than I loved my ex-husband before everything went bad. I want to grow old with him. And the pain when he is with her can be intense. I weep, I feel alone and rejected. And then we are together again and it all fades away, except for the occasional pang when I know that he has had a text or is responding to an e-mail from her, discreet as he is trying to be.

It's been nearly three years, and I am coming to the realization that it will never be easy, that I will always feel alone and rejected when he is with another lover, whoever it may be. It's who I am. It is a little less acute some times than others, then when I know he is doing something special with her, the sense of exclusion and loss builds high, and the pain deepens.

I am willing to pay that price because I love him deeply. It's like a wound that I am learning to live with.