Asking for what I want/need

Sometimes I am not sure what I can fairly ask for in this relationship. I know that the same could be said in a traditional relationship, I suppose, but in this fairly unique situation (or maybe it isn't so unique, given the two comments I have received) there are no rules, no guidelines. So I am constantly asking myself, "Is it reasonable to ask for this?" "Is it fair to expect that?" And of course, if I ask and am turned down, the sense of rejection is very strong. Which has more to do with who I am as a person than my position in the relationship, I suppose, but it is all part of the mix.

Here's an example of what I am not sure about: I like to talk with him or at least have some kind of meaningful contact every day. I think that if it were a monogamous relationship where we lived several hundred miles apart, it would probably be a reasonable request. But if he is with his other lover, maybe I am being unreasonable. The way it is working right now is that when he is with her, he calls when he can, which tends to be every couple of days or so, for a few minutes. We exchange some brief e-mails, and the occasional text. It's enough for him, probably more than enough. So I feel I don't have the right to ask him for more, so I feel I am being unreasonable if I do. But what is reasonable, and what feels ok to a person can be two totally different concepts. So should I be reasonable, or should I be honest and have enough regard for my own needs to say what I want and need?

The rules and guidelines for our relationship are growing and changing as we feel our way between the twin lines of what we want and what we can tolerate. It can be such a painful process when so much of my soul searching is done alone.

I have noticed the folks who are following my blog - it is nice to know my words aren't just disappearing into cyberspace, although the flipside is that I am now feeling kind of naked. But that is of course what happens with a blog like this. In any event, I checked out Anita's website - which is pretty cool. I bought "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," a book I have long known about but never read. I have now started it - and have great hopes that it will help. So thank you, Anita!