What's Wrong with Me?

Why is this not getting any easier? Why can't I handle something that I have known about for so long? I have breakthroughs of calm and understanding, and then the ante gets upped (longer with her, a trip with her, knowledge of deeper intimacy and connection with her), and I get dislodged from the ledge I have found, and I go plummeting back to the bottom again. How do other people do it? If I love him and respect him and believe in him, why can't it be ok for me if it's ok for him? I know, that seems a stupid question, but that's what at bottom for me. I think I love him with all my heart, I KNOW I love him with all my heart, but what if I still don't love him enough?

I am reading The Ethical Slut again and trying over. Again