Here We Are Again

Alone again on Saturday evening, knowing he is with his other lover. It is late, however, and I didn't spend the evening on my own, which is good. But when I was finally alone, the emotions came flooding out. But now I have stabilized and am feeling basically ok. We did a lot of talking during his last visit. Some things came out that we needed to work on big time, and we got through them pretty well, though I know there is more to do. I finally came to appreciate how hard this is on him, too. He doesn't like to see me unhappy, and he gets frustrated and sad when I express those feelings. I get that, so I am now trying to walk a line between being honest and being emotional. I have bought some more books, and am reading through parts of them, trying to make sense of this crazy set-up I find myself in. Well, it's not crazy if all parties are utterly happy. And it's not crazy if the parties are willing to work on the relationship. So it's not a crazy set-up that I'm in, because we are willing to work.

He tells me that his other lover is neutral about meeting me, that it's neither here nor there to her, so I am trying that one on for size. Not sure how to react. But if I put that together with other things she has said, it does make sense. She is just not particularly interested in or affected by his relationship with me. I believe that she would be happiest if he were only with her, and if he were to spend more time with her, but she seems to have made peace with the whole situation as it is a lot better than I have, and I guess I envy her that. I am still very much a work in progress. How does one change what one wants? I would love to be able to snap my fingers and do that. Instead of sitting her and being sad when I am on my own.

To be truthful, I only write in this blog when I am feeling down. So I am probably presenting a skewed picture. With him, I am happy and content. Without him, I am often sad and lonely, but there also many times when I am engaged and distracted by other things going on in my life. I need to build on those. Maybe that will make the gnawing inside my belly a little duller.

Asking for what I want/need

Sometimes I am not sure what I can fairly ask for in this relationship. I know that the same could be said in a traditional relationship, I suppose, but in this fairly unique situation (or maybe it isn't so unique, given the two comments I have received) there are no rules, no guidelines. So I am constantly asking myself, "Is it reasonable to ask for this?" "Is it fair to expect that?" And of course, if I ask and am turned down, the sense of rejection is very strong. Which has more to do with who I am as a person than my position in the relationship, I suppose, but it is all part of the mix.

Here's an example of what I am not sure about: I like to talk with him or at least have some kind of meaningful contact every day. I think that if it were a monogamous relationship where we lived several hundred miles apart, it would probably be a reasonable request. But if he is with his other lover, maybe I am being unreasonable. The way it is working right now is that when he is with her, he calls when he can, which tends to be every couple of days or so, for a few minutes. We exchange some brief e-mails, and the occasional text. It's enough for him, probably more than enough. So I feel I don't have the right to ask him for more, so I feel I am being unreasonable if I do. But what is reasonable, and what feels ok to a person can be two totally different concepts. So should I be reasonable, or should I be honest and have enough regard for my own needs to say what I want and need?

The rules and guidelines for our relationship are growing and changing as we feel our way between the twin lines of what we want and what we can tolerate. It can be such a painful process when so much of my soul searching is done alone.

I have noticed the folks who are following my blog - it is nice to know my words aren't just disappearing into cyberspace, although the flipside is that I am now feeling kind of naked. But that is of course what happens with a blog like this. In any event, I checked out Anita's website - which is pretty cool. I bought "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," a book I have long known about but never read. I have now started it - and have great hopes that it will help. So thank you, Anita!

Working On It

Oh, this softer place is tricky to stay in. I am learning more about his other lover. And we will be meeting. It's been decided. What are my feelings? In no particular order: fear, curiosity, dread, excitement, even some relief - no more wondering and trying to decide what is right. So, what now? It is always my way to try to make others feel comfortable, to take care of their feelings. And there is a tussle going on inside me. I am automatically thinking that I don't want her to feel bad, to be upset, or to feel that I am a threat to her. But I also want to protect myself. From the hurt that I fear so very much, the hurt I experience just thinking of seeing them together. My instinct is just to let it happen and to deal with my feelings in the moment, but that is letting go of a hell of a lot of control. I don't want to be the passive link in all of this, because I may be opening myself to so much pain while others work things to suit their feelings, not mine. Or am I being too wary, too suspicious? I am guilty of extreme naivete at times. This should not be one of them, but cynicism and suspicion can be poisonous. He is with her tonight and will be for the next six days. (There I go, counting again.) I have much to do in the meantime, but my mind flits back to him and her throughout the day, especially in quieter moments. Sometimes I'm ok about it. Other times, I'm not.

This is a journey, a journey composed of little steps and big steps, steps forward and steps backward. And often sideways. Not static, never static.