Here We Are Again

Alone again on Saturday evening, knowing he is with his other lover. It is late, however, and I didn't spend the evening on my own, which is good. But when I was finally alone, the emotions came flooding out. But now I have stabilized and am feeling basically ok. We did a lot of talking during his last visit. Some things came out that we needed to work on big time, and we got through them pretty well, though I know there is more to do. I finally came to appreciate how hard this is on him, too. He doesn't like to see me unhappy, and he gets frustrated and sad when I express those feelings. I get that, so I am now trying to walk a line between being honest and being emotional. I have bought some more books, and am reading through parts of them, trying to make sense of this crazy set-up I find myself in. Well, it's not crazy if all parties are utterly happy. And it's not crazy if the parties are willing to work on the relationship. So it's not a crazy set-up that I'm in, because we are willing to work.

He tells me that his other lover is neutral about meeting me, that it's neither here nor there to her, so I am trying that one on for size. Not sure how to react. But if I put that together with other things she has said, it does make sense. She is just not particularly interested in or affected by his relationship with me. I believe that she would be happiest if he were only with her, and if he were to spend more time with her, but she seems to have made peace with the whole situation as it is a lot better than I have, and I guess I envy her that. I am still very much a work in progress. How does one change what one wants? I would love to be able to snap my fingers and do that. Instead of sitting her and being sad when I am on my own.

To be truthful, I only write in this blog when I am feeling down. So I am probably presenting a skewed picture. With him, I am happy and content. Without him, I am often sad and lonely, but there also many times when I am engaged and distracted by other things going on in my life. I need to build on those. Maybe that will make the gnawing inside my belly a little duller.