Working On It

Oh, this softer place is tricky to stay in. I am learning more about his other lover. And we will be meeting. It's been decided. What are my feelings? In no particular order: fear, curiosity, dread, excitement, even some relief - no more wondering and trying to decide what is right. So, what now? It is always my way to try to make others feel comfortable, to take care of their feelings. And there is a tussle going on inside me. I am automatically thinking that I don't want her to feel bad, to be upset, or to feel that I am a threat to her. But I also want to protect myself. From the hurt that I fear so very much, the hurt I experience just thinking of seeing them together. My instinct is just to let it happen and to deal with my feelings in the moment, but that is letting go of a hell of a lot of control. I don't want to be the passive link in all of this, because I may be opening myself to so much pain while others work things to suit their feelings, not mine. Or am I being too wary, too suspicious? I am guilty of extreme naivete at times. This should not be one of them, but cynicism and suspicion can be poisonous. He is with her tonight and will be for the next six days. (There I go, counting again.) I have much to do in the meantime, but my mind flits back to him and her throughout the day, especially in quieter moments. Sometimes I'm ok about it. Other times, I'm not.

This is a journey, a journey composed of little steps and big steps, steps forward and steps backward. And often sideways. Not static, never static.