It has been over two months since I last posted. Life must have been good for those two months, because I really only write in here when it is difficult. I only write in here when he is with his other lover, and I am miserable because of it. I only write in here about nobly fighting off the pain. It's bullshit some of the time. Other times, I am hurting so badly I can't think straight. And there is the problem. Different perspectives, thoughts, feelings, depending on the current circumstances. It is so very hard to step back from it all and really understand and process and focus on what my life is.

What is my life? A series of peaks and valleys, framed by my work and friends and family. But the picture inside the frame, the part I look at far more than the frame, is my relationship with him. Darks and lights. Days and nights. It's been a few years now, and still it isn't easy, and still I feel sorry for myself when he is away and with her. Yet I know that I love him and he loves me. I know that for a fact. I know that when we are together there is passion and sweetness and contentment. I am not poly, so I don't go searching for a relationship to fill the void when he is gone. It just doesn't interest me.

If I had a magic lamp, and the genie inside were to grant me three wishes, this is what they would be:

1) he is no longer poly and just wants to be with me.
2) if that isn't granted, then I turn poly and find fulfilment in that
3) if that isn't granted, then please may I find peace and acceptance of the way things are

The third is the one I may not need the genie for, and since genies are none too common these days, I need to work on achieving wish number 3 on my own. The power of positive thinking. At work . For me. For us. My continual unhappiness at his being with her is poisonous, I know that. Time to dilute it at the very least. The work is there, and I shall not shirk it.