Moving to a Softer Place

I had dinner with another friend, with another viewpoint. I am corresponding with a poly friend. I am thinking. I am talking. I am making space for new thoughts and perspectives. I am softening.

I acknowledge that this is not a traditional situation, and there is no safe, organized set of rules. So, here are the facts:

• I am deeply in love with a man who is polyamorous
• I am monogamous
• He is in love with me
• He has another lover who is important to him
• He is not going to change how he loves women
• I am not going to change how I love men
• I am with him a little less than 50% of the time
• When I am with him, I am very happy
• When I am not with him, there are times when I am desperately unhappy
• When he is not with me, he is not unhappy

The only really bad one of those bullet points is the one about being really unhappy when I am not with him. And that's really only when he is with his other lover. But I am changing, I am working on compersion. It seems to me that it is the only way to soften the sadness. If I can learn to be happy for him (and maybe even her) when they are together, wouldn't life be great? So that is my goal. A big shift. But not impossible. He and I have been apart now for ten days. He is with her for the next few days. It is normally at this time that I am weeping, feeling rejected and lonely, and having a very bad time. But I'm not. I'm calm. Missing him, yes. Looking forward very much to seeing him next week, yes. But feeling like my life is not worth living, no.

Hooray for me. This might work...

Making Sense

I had dinner with a very wise friend this evening. She pointed out some things that I am doing that are not good for me, and probably not good for the relationship. I am just allowing all this to happen. I am relinquishing all control of the relationship to him, allowing him to dictate the terms, the times, and the communication. She's right, that is exactly what I am doing. She also pointed out what may be happening between him and his other lover. I am so bad at games, at strategy, at thinking of the right way to handle a person with whom I am personally involved. I am open and honest and I tell people the truth. Naive. Maybe I need to be smarter, and to think things through in a more sophisticated manner, to be more coy and harder to read. I just lay it on the line, and meanwhile, I think the other woman is playing games much better than I do or even can. I feel that she is moving closer to him all the time - and that makes me feel so cut off. I am sitting on the sidelines and watching.

My friend reckons I should not know where he is going to be with the other woman, and she doesn't even think I should be in communication with him during those times. She says it is too painful for me. I think she may be right. But on the other hand, the idea of being out of touch with him while he is with her, involved with her, being intimate with her, is so very hard to contemplate.

How did I ever get to this place? I know in my heart I want a relationship with a man who loves only me, who wants to live with me and be partnered with me and grow old with me. But my heart also tells me that I am deeply in love with this man, a man who will not give me what my heart yearns for. I can't be in love with more than one man at a time, at least I am pretty sure I can't be, so my dilemma is that I am in love with a man who doesn't fit my dream. So now I sit with this. No quick or hasty decisions. But I have to be honest with myself. Which is maybe the hardest part of all this, the very hardest part...