Making Sense

I had dinner with a very wise friend this evening. She pointed out some things that I am doing that are not good for me, and probably not good for the relationship. I am just allowing all this to happen. I am relinquishing all control of the relationship to him, allowing him to dictate the terms, the times, and the communication. She's right, that is exactly what I am doing. She also pointed out what may be happening between him and his other lover. I am so bad at games, at strategy, at thinking of the right way to handle a person with whom I am personally involved. I am open and honest and I tell people the truth. Naive. Maybe I need to be smarter, and to think things through in a more sophisticated manner, to be more coy and harder to read. I just lay it on the line, and meanwhile, I think the other woman is playing games much better than I do or even can. I feel that she is moving closer to him all the time - and that makes me feel so cut off. I am sitting on the sidelines and watching.

My friend reckons I should not know where he is going to be with the other woman, and she doesn't even think I should be in communication with him during those times. She says it is too painful for me. I think she may be right. But on the other hand, the idea of being out of touch with him while he is with her, involved with her, being intimate with her, is so very hard to contemplate.

How did I ever get to this place? I know in my heart I want a relationship with a man who loves only me, who wants to live with me and be partnered with me and grow old with me. But my heart also tells me that I am deeply in love with this man, a man who will not give me what my heart yearns for. I can't be in love with more than one man at a time, at least I am pretty sure I can't be, so my dilemma is that I am in love with a man who doesn't fit my dream. So now I sit with this. No quick or hasty decisions. But I have to be honest with myself. Which is maybe the hardest part of all this, the very hardest part...