Opening Up

A friend recommended Tristan Taormino's book, "Opening Up," and I have been devouring it this evening. I have already read "The Ethical Slut" and found it useful, but this book really hits home with me in many areas. I have found myself underlining many passages, passages about the reasoning behind jealousy, how to deal with broken agreements, how to be honest. I am feeling validated and at the same time am developing confidence in how things may turn out. One thing Taormino encourages is to meet the other lover, for the very reasons that I have been expressing - so as not to demonize her or see her as anything other than a normal human being. I am so glad to see it in print like this. I have more to read, but the book has been really helpful. And the list of resources at the back is great. One area that she addresses is Finding Community. Community is something I yearn for, and if I can find a community of others who are living this lifestyle, I won't feel so excluded. I think my feeling of exclusion is strong - I feel excluded when my lover is with his other lover, and I feel excluded from so-called "mainstream society" because I don't have a traditional, monogamous relationship. So I often feel very alone, even when I have friends to talk to - because right now they all come from the traditional mainstream monogamous group. It's time to consult the resources at the back of the book and seek out a community where I am not unique.

I am feeling more cheerful about this than I have in a long time! Hooray!

An Interesting Place

So he is once again traveling with his other lover and will not be back again and alone for over a week. I am watching how I am reacting, and it is interesting. The other night I had a conversation with an acquaintance who is aware of my situation, and she is one of those incredibly frank people who says and asks exactly what is on her mind. She asked me how I am doing, and her most specific question was, "What have you overcome to get where you are?" I fumbled for an answer, and have given it more thought since she asked. I was embarrassed to think that in three years I hadn't overcome anything, but that's not true actually. Three years ago, if I had been told what was in store for me, I would probably have run a mile. Instead, I have hung in and grown and learned to live through the hard times and celebrate the good times. So I came up with some rather pat response to her, and then she persisted in talking about it. She commented that living in the present is probably the best way to approach the situation. I agreed with her, and then later sat back and really thought about it. She is absolutely right. And I am narrowing my concept of the present. The present is NOT my lover being off with his other lover. The present is not in another city, or in their bedroom, or following them around all day. The present is me typing this on my computer. The present is my immediate surroundings. The present is my room. The present is 6:45 p.m. on June 3. The present is where I am right now, where I am, not where anybody else is. This is my work. He and I will be together in the future, in a couple of weeks. When that happens, I will focus on that. Right now, I have my current surroundings and circumstances. I do not have my lover and what he is doing now. It is outside my purview. I have me.

He will call at some point, and I know I may fret a little, waiting for him, but the present is him not on the phone with me now. When he calls, I will be absolutely present with that, his attention on me and my attention on him.

This is my work. This is my goal. And so far I can feel it sinking in. I will not anticipate how it will be on the weekend when I have more time on my hands. I will deal with that then. Now is now is now...