Growing

It is beginning to hurt less. Even though this is a trying time and he is gone for a long time and with her for much of it, I am feeling less vulnerable. Ironically, I think I have made myself more vulnerable, and in so doing, have grown and strengthened. I stepped up and took responsibility for all I have done to make things tougher, for being unfair to him, for not trusting him or myself to make things work. Stripping myself of my veil of "rightness" has allowed me to accept who I am and to see he is accepting that person too. That is what is strengthening. I don't have to play games with myself (and sometimes him) to make myself feel safe. He is doing his own introspective work, to be shared with me when he comes back. No one ever said this would be easy, and I am constantly looking for ways to make it so. No dice. It isn't going to be easy. It is never going to be easy. But I don't have to make it so hard.