My Lover is Polyamorous and I'm Not

I have been in a relationship with my lover for nearly three years. He is polyamorous. I am not. We live more than 400 miles away from each other. I have a job and he is retired, although he sometimes does some consulting work. He is comfortable financially. I scrape by. He has one other lover and is always open to more. I tried dating another poly person once and found it excruciatingly uncomfortable.

We are very much in love with each other and share many interests, have similar educations and beliefs, and laugh a lot together. Our sex life is very active and passionate. We have traveled together and spent time with each other's families. We are both divorced with children who are young adults. Even though we live so far away from each other, since he does not have a regular job we are able to see each other for at least a third of each month. During that time, we are very close. In the periods that we are apart, he sees his other lover for part of the time. And during those times, I am not permitted to call him.

When I first met him, he was involved with a woman he had been with for several years, a woman with a very powerful and demanding personality. He continued with her and with me, and developed relationships with two other women as well. For my first New Year with him, he had a party and three of us were there. It was utterly overwhelming for me, and if I could have run away, I would have. We learned not to do that again. In time, he broke up with the strong woman, and one of the others broke up with him. Then he met someone else, and he has been with her now for over 18 months. Now it is just her and me. He spends holidays with me, and more time with me than he does with her.

But she is there. She is there in his life and isn't going anywhere. She and I tried connecting with her via e-mail, but it ended badly.

My lover is polyamorous and I'm not. Even if his other lover did go somewhere, he would doubtless find someone else. He wants and needs more than one loving relationship in his life. I want only one relationship, and that is with him. I believe I love him more than I loved my ex-husband before everything went bad. I want to grow old with him. And the pain when he is with her can be intense. I weep, I feel alone and rejected. And then we are together again and it all fades away, except for the occasional pang when I know that he has had a text or is responding to an e-mail from her, discreet as he is trying to be.

It's been nearly three years, and I am coming to the realization that it will never be easy, that I will always feel alone and rejected when he is with another lover, whoever it may be. It's who I am. It is a little less acute some times than others, then when I know he is doing something special with her, the sense of exclusion and loss builds high, and the pain deepens.

I am willing to pay that price because I love him deeply. It's like a wound that I am learning to live with.