It has been over two months since I last posted. Life must have been good for those two months, because I really only write in here when it is difficult. I only write in here when he is with his other lover, and I am miserable because of it. I only write in here about nobly fighting off the pain. It's bullshit some of the time. Other times, I am hurting so badly I can't think straight. And there is the problem. Different perspectives, thoughts, feelings, depending on the current circumstances. It is so very hard to step back from it all and really understand and process and focus on what my life is.

What is my life? A series of peaks and valleys, framed by my work and friends and family. But the picture inside the frame, the part I look at far more than the frame, is my relationship with him. Darks and lights. Days and nights. It's been a few years now, and still it isn't easy, and still I feel sorry for myself when he is away and with her. Yet I know that I love him and he loves me. I know that for a fact. I know that when we are together there is passion and sweetness and contentment. I am not poly, so I don't go searching for a relationship to fill the void when he is gone. It just doesn't interest me.

If I had a magic lamp, and the genie inside were to grant me three wishes, this is what they would be:

1) he is no longer poly and just wants to be with me.
2) if that isn't granted, then I turn poly and find fulfilment in that
3) if that isn't granted, then please may I find peace and acceptance of the way things are

The third is the one I may not need the genie for, and since genies are none too common these days, I need to work on achieving wish number 3 on my own. The power of positive thinking. At work . For me. For us. My continual unhappiness at his being with her is poisonous, I know that. Time to dilute it at the very least. The work is there, and I shall not shirk it.

Growing

It is beginning to hurt less. Even though this is a trying time and he is gone for a long time and with her for much of it, I am feeling less vulnerable. Ironically, I think I have made myself more vulnerable, and in so doing, have grown and strengthened. I stepped up and took responsibility for all I have done to make things tougher, for being unfair to him, for not trusting him or myself to make things work. Stripping myself of my veil of "rightness" has allowed me to accept who I am and to see he is accepting that person too. That is what is strengthening. I don't have to play games with myself (and sometimes him) to make myself feel safe. He is doing his own introspective work, to be shared with me when he comes back. No one ever said this would be easy, and I am constantly looking for ways to make it so. No dice. It isn't going to be easy. It is never going to be easy. But I don't have to make it so hard.

What the Hell

I could spend some time philosophizing here, talking about how noble and giving I am, how all is fine, how I know that this relationship is all good. Fact is, I am hurting like hell. I am weeping and sad and lonely. I feel unimportant. I don't matter. I feel powerless and small. Inferior. This long weekend is endless. What a waste of time off, while I cry and my stomach turns upside down at the thought of him with her. At least if I were at work I would be busy and feel useful. I am finding things to do and take pleasure in the small achievements I make. Small pleasure that evaporates quickly. Very quickly, leaving a gaping hole in its place.

This will be over soon.

Then it will start again next time.

I know, I know, this is a down time. There will be an upswing when I am more cheerful and optimistic. I look forward to it. Writing this today is honest, though, because it is how I feel in this moment. To say otherwise would be a lie. Yes, I want him to happy, and this is my gift to him. It is a gift that causes intense pain sometimes, but I am willing to give it.

August

Nearly two months since I last posted. Much of that time I have spent with him, and I am feeling secure in our relationship. It feels like we really do belong together, there is a meshing that is ongoing and feels right. So where does the poly fit, given that I am monogamous? I am still not exactly comfortable with it, but I am more accepting of it. I don't like that he is with her, I don't like being away from him, but I am ok. I am living, breathing, functioning, and I will be with him again soon. And my life, I keep reminding myself, is more than my love relationship. I have other things to do, a job to go to, family and friends to attend to. Those things can feed me too.

I believe that our relationship is strong partly because we don't live in each other's pockets, that there are periods of separation, that we don't take each other's presence for granted. The fact that he is poly precludes the humdrum, daily routine aspect of a committed love relationship, and maybe it is time I appreciate that and even welcome it.

Opening Up

A friend recommended Tristan Taormino's book, "Opening Up," and I have been devouring it this evening. I have already read "The Ethical Slut" and found it useful, but this book really hits home with me in many areas. I have found myself underlining many passages, passages about the reasoning behind jealousy, how to deal with broken agreements, how to be honest. I am feeling validated and at the same time am developing confidence in how things may turn out. One thing Taormino encourages is to meet the other lover, for the very reasons that I have been expressing - so as not to demonize her or see her as anything other than a normal human being. I am so glad to see it in print like this. I have more to read, but the book has been really helpful. And the list of resources at the back is great. One area that she addresses is Finding Community. Community is something I yearn for, and if I can find a community of others who are living this lifestyle, I won't feel so excluded. I think my feeling of exclusion is strong - I feel excluded when my lover is with his other lover, and I feel excluded from so-called "mainstream society" because I don't have a traditional, monogamous relationship. So I often feel very alone, even when I have friends to talk to - because right now they all come from the traditional mainstream monogamous group. It's time to consult the resources at the back of the book and seek out a community where I am not unique.

I am feeling more cheerful about this than I have in a long time! Hooray!

An Interesting Place

So he is once again traveling with his other lover and will not be back again and alone for over a week. I am watching how I am reacting, and it is interesting. The other night I had a conversation with an acquaintance who is aware of my situation, and she is one of those incredibly frank people who says and asks exactly what is on her mind. She asked me how I am doing, and her most specific question was, "What have you overcome to get where you are?" I fumbled for an answer, and have given it more thought since she asked. I was embarrassed to think that in three years I hadn't overcome anything, but that's not true actually. Three years ago, if I had been told what was in store for me, I would probably have run a mile. Instead, I have hung in and grown and learned to live through the hard times and celebrate the good times. So I came up with some rather pat response to her, and then she persisted in talking about it. She commented that living in the present is probably the best way to approach the situation. I agreed with her, and then later sat back and really thought about it. She is absolutely right. And I am narrowing my concept of the present. The present is NOT my lover being off with his other lover. The present is not in another city, or in their bedroom, or following them around all day. The present is me typing this on my computer. The present is my immediate surroundings. The present is my room. The present is 6:45 p.m. on June 3. The present is where I am right now, where I am, not where anybody else is. This is my work. He and I will be together in the future, in a couple of weeks. When that happens, I will focus on that. Right now, I have my current surroundings and circumstances. I do not have my lover and what he is doing now. It is outside my purview. I have me.

He will call at some point, and I know I may fret a little, waiting for him, but the present is him not on the phone with me now. When he calls, I will be absolutely present with that, his attention on me and my attention on him.

This is my work. This is my goal. And so far I can feel it sinking in. I will not anticipate how it will be on the weekend when I have more time on my hands. I will deal with that then. Now is now is now...

Here We Are Again

Alone again on Saturday evening, knowing he is with his other lover. It is late, however, and I didn't spend the evening on my own, which is good. But when I was finally alone, the emotions came flooding out. But now I have stabilized and am feeling basically ok. We did a lot of talking during his last visit. Some things came out that we needed to work on big time, and we got through them pretty well, though I know there is more to do. I finally came to appreciate how hard this is on him, too. He doesn't like to see me unhappy, and he gets frustrated and sad when I express those feelings. I get that, so I am now trying to walk a line between being honest and being emotional. I have bought some more books, and am reading through parts of them, trying to make sense of this crazy set-up I find myself in. Well, it's not crazy if all parties are utterly happy. And it's not crazy if the parties are willing to work on the relationship. So it's not a crazy set-up that I'm in, because we are willing to work.

He tells me that his other lover is neutral about meeting me, that it's neither here nor there to her, so I am trying that one on for size. Not sure how to react. But if I put that together with other things she has said, it does make sense. She is just not particularly interested in or affected by his relationship with me. I believe that she would be happiest if he were only with her, and if he were to spend more time with her, but she seems to have made peace with the whole situation as it is a lot better than I have, and I guess I envy her that. I am still very much a work in progress. How does one change what one wants? I would love to be able to snap my fingers and do that. Instead of sitting her and being sad when I am on my own.

To be truthful, I only write in this blog when I am feeling down. So I am probably presenting a skewed picture. With him, I am happy and content. Without him, I am often sad and lonely, but there also many times when I am engaged and distracted by other things going on in my life. I need to build on those. Maybe that will make the gnawing inside my belly a little duller.