Opening Up

A friend recommended Tristan Taormino's book, "Opening Up," and I have been devouring it this evening. I have already read "The Ethical Slut" and found it useful, but this book really hits home with me in many areas. I have found myself underlining many passages, passages about the reasoning behind jealousy, how to deal with broken agreements, how to be honest. I am feeling validated and at the same time am developing confidence in how things may turn out. One thing Taormino encourages is to meet the other lover, for the very reasons that I have been expressing - so as not to demonize her or see her as anything other than a normal human being. I am so glad to see it in print like this. I have more to read, but the book has been really helpful. And the list of resources at the back is great. One area that she addresses is Finding Community. Community is something I yearn for, and if I can find a community of others who are living this lifestyle, I won't feel so excluded. I think my feeling of exclusion is strong - I feel excluded when my lover is with his other lover, and I feel excluded from so-called "mainstream society" because I don't have a traditional, monogamous relationship. So I often feel very alone, even when I have friends to talk to - because right now they all come from the traditional mainstream monogamous group. It's time to consult the resources at the back of the book and seek out a community where I am not unique.

I am feeling more cheerful about this than I have in a long time! Hooray!

An Interesting Place

So he is once again traveling with his other lover and will not be back again and alone for over a week. I am watching how I am reacting, and it is interesting. The other night I had a conversation with an acquaintance who is aware of my situation, and she is one of those incredibly frank people who says and asks exactly what is on her mind. She asked me how I am doing, and her most specific question was, "What have you overcome to get where you are?" I fumbled for an answer, and have given it more thought since she asked. I was embarrassed to think that in three years I hadn't overcome anything, but that's not true actually. Three years ago, if I had been told what was in store for me, I would probably have run a mile. Instead, I have hung in and grown and learned to live through the hard times and celebrate the good times. So I came up with some rather pat response to her, and then she persisted in talking about it. She commented that living in the present is probably the best way to approach the situation. I agreed with her, and then later sat back and really thought about it. She is absolutely right. And I am narrowing my concept of the present. The present is NOT my lover being off with his other lover. The present is not in another city, or in their bedroom, or following them around all day. The present is me typing this on my computer. The present is my immediate surroundings. The present is my room. The present is 6:45 p.m. on June 3. The present is where I am right now, where I am, not where anybody else is. This is my work. He and I will be together in the future, in a couple of weeks. When that happens, I will focus on that. Right now, I have my current surroundings and circumstances. I do not have my lover and what he is doing now. It is outside my purview. I have me.

He will call at some point, and I know I may fret a little, waiting for him, but the present is him not on the phone with me now. When he calls, I will be absolutely present with that, his attention on me and my attention on him.

This is my work. This is my goal. And so far I can feel it sinking in. I will not anticipate how it will be on the weekend when I have more time on my hands. I will deal with that then. Now is now is now...

Here We Are Again

Alone again on Saturday evening, knowing he is with his other lover. It is late, however, and I didn't spend the evening on my own, which is good. But when I was finally alone, the emotions came flooding out. But now I have stabilized and am feeling basically ok. We did a lot of talking during his last visit. Some things came out that we needed to work on big time, and we got through them pretty well, though I know there is more to do. I finally came to appreciate how hard this is on him, too. He doesn't like to see me unhappy, and he gets frustrated and sad when I express those feelings. I get that, so I am now trying to walk a line between being honest and being emotional. I have bought some more books, and am reading through parts of them, trying to make sense of this crazy set-up I find myself in. Well, it's not crazy if all parties are utterly happy. And it's not crazy if the parties are willing to work on the relationship. So it's not a crazy set-up that I'm in, because we are willing to work.

He tells me that his other lover is neutral about meeting me, that it's neither here nor there to her, so I am trying that one on for size. Not sure how to react. But if I put that together with other things she has said, it does make sense. She is just not particularly interested in or affected by his relationship with me. I believe that she would be happiest if he were only with her, and if he were to spend more time with her, but she seems to have made peace with the whole situation as it is a lot better than I have, and I guess I envy her that. I am still very much a work in progress. How does one change what one wants? I would love to be able to snap my fingers and do that. Instead of sitting her and being sad when I am on my own.

To be truthful, I only write in this blog when I am feeling down. So I am probably presenting a skewed picture. With him, I am happy and content. Without him, I am often sad and lonely, but there also many times when I am engaged and distracted by other things going on in my life. I need to build on those. Maybe that will make the gnawing inside my belly a little duller.

Asking for what I want/need

Sometimes I am not sure what I can fairly ask for in this relationship. I know that the same could be said in a traditional relationship, I suppose, but in this fairly unique situation (or maybe it isn't so unique, given the two comments I have received) there are no rules, no guidelines. So I am constantly asking myself, "Is it reasonable to ask for this?" "Is it fair to expect that?" And of course, if I ask and am turned down, the sense of rejection is very strong. Which has more to do with who I am as a person than my position in the relationship, I suppose, but it is all part of the mix.

Here's an example of what I am not sure about: I like to talk with him or at least have some kind of meaningful contact every day. I think that if it were a monogamous relationship where we lived several hundred miles apart, it would probably be a reasonable request. But if he is with his other lover, maybe I am being unreasonable. The way it is working right now is that when he is with her, he calls when he can, which tends to be every couple of days or so, for a few minutes. We exchange some brief e-mails, and the occasional text. It's enough for him, probably more than enough. So I feel I don't have the right to ask him for more, so I feel I am being unreasonable if I do. But what is reasonable, and what feels ok to a person can be two totally different concepts. So should I be reasonable, or should I be honest and have enough regard for my own needs to say what I want and need?

The rules and guidelines for our relationship are growing and changing as we feel our way between the twin lines of what we want and what we can tolerate. It can be such a painful process when so much of my soul searching is done alone.

I have noticed the folks who are following my blog - it is nice to know my words aren't just disappearing into cyberspace, although the flipside is that I am now feeling kind of naked. But that is of course what happens with a blog like this. In any event, I checked out Anita's website - which is pretty cool. I bought "Feel the Fear and Do It Anyway," a book I have long known about but never read. I have now started it - and have great hopes that it will help. So thank you, Anita!

Working On It

Oh, this softer place is tricky to stay in. I am learning more about his other lover. And we will be meeting. It's been decided. What are my feelings? In no particular order: fear, curiosity, dread, excitement, even some relief - no more wondering and trying to decide what is right. So, what now? It is always my way to try to make others feel comfortable, to take care of their feelings. And there is a tussle going on inside me. I am automatically thinking that I don't want her to feel bad, to be upset, or to feel that I am a threat to her. But I also want to protect myself. From the hurt that I fear so very much, the hurt I experience just thinking of seeing them together. My instinct is just to let it happen and to deal with my feelings in the moment, but that is letting go of a hell of a lot of control. I don't want to be the passive link in all of this, because I may be opening myself to so much pain while others work things to suit their feelings, not mine. Or am I being too wary, too suspicious? I am guilty of extreme naivete at times. This should not be one of them, but cynicism and suspicion can be poisonous. He is with her tonight and will be for the next six days. (There I go, counting again.) I have much to do in the meantime, but my mind flits back to him and her throughout the day, especially in quieter moments. Sometimes I'm ok about it. Other times, I'm not.

This is a journey, a journey composed of little steps and big steps, steps forward and steps backward. And often sideways. Not static, never static.

Moving to a Softer Place

I had dinner with another friend, with another viewpoint. I am corresponding with a poly friend. I am thinking. I am talking. I am making space for new thoughts and perspectives. I am softening.

I acknowledge that this is not a traditional situation, and there is no safe, organized set of rules. So, here are the facts:

• I am deeply in love with a man who is polyamorous
• I am monogamous
• He is in love with me
• He has another lover who is important to him
• He is not going to change how he loves women
• I am not going to change how I love men
• I am with him a little less than 50% of the time
• When I am with him, I am very happy
• When I am not with him, there are times when I am desperately unhappy
• When he is not with me, he is not unhappy

The only really bad one of those bullet points is the one about being really unhappy when I am not with him. And that's really only when he is with his other lover. But I am changing, I am working on compersion. It seems to me that it is the only way to soften the sadness. If I can learn to be happy for him (and maybe even her) when they are together, wouldn't life be great? So that is my goal. A big shift. But not impossible. He and I have been apart now for ten days. He is with her for the next few days. It is normally at this time that I am weeping, feeling rejected and lonely, and having a very bad time. But I'm not. I'm calm. Missing him, yes. Looking forward very much to seeing him next week, yes. But feeling like my life is not worth living, no.

Hooray for me. This might work...

Making Sense

I had dinner with a very wise friend this evening. She pointed out some things that I am doing that are not good for me, and probably not good for the relationship. I am just allowing all this to happen. I am relinquishing all control of the relationship to him, allowing him to dictate the terms, the times, and the communication. She's right, that is exactly what I am doing. She also pointed out what may be happening between him and his other lover. I am so bad at games, at strategy, at thinking of the right way to handle a person with whom I am personally involved. I am open and honest and I tell people the truth. Naive. Maybe I need to be smarter, and to think things through in a more sophisticated manner, to be more coy and harder to read. I just lay it on the line, and meanwhile, I think the other woman is playing games much better than I do or even can. I feel that she is moving closer to him all the time - and that makes me feel so cut off. I am sitting on the sidelines and watching.

My friend reckons I should not know where he is going to be with the other woman, and she doesn't even think I should be in communication with him during those times. She says it is too painful for me. I think she may be right. But on the other hand, the idea of being out of touch with him while he is with her, involved with her, being intimate with her, is so very hard to contemplate.

How did I ever get to this place? I know in my heart I want a relationship with a man who loves only me, who wants to live with me and be partnered with me and grow old with me. But my heart also tells me that I am deeply in love with this man, a man who will not give me what my heart yearns for. I can't be in love with more than one man at a time, at least I am pretty sure I can't be, so my dilemma is that I am in love with a man who doesn't fit my dream. So now I sit with this. No quick or hasty decisions. But I have to be honest with myself. Which is maybe the hardest part of all this, the very hardest part...